


Imperial Design

by Whippoorwill_Grey



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Star Wars Setting, Ben Solo Needs A Hug, Childhood Friends, Childhood Trauma, Dark, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, F/M, Falling In Love, Forbidden Love, Force Bond (Star Wars), Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Kylo Ren Needs a Hug, Memory Alteration, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, POV Rey (Star Wars), Protectiveness, Redeemed Ben Solo, Romance, Scavenger Rey (Star Wars), Self-Harm, The Dark Side of the Force, The Force, The Force Ships It, Young Ben Solo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-21
Updated: 2018-12-21
Packaged: 2019-09-23 21:43:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 10,931
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17088284
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Whippoorwill_Grey/pseuds/Whippoorwill_Grey
Summary: "A favor for a favor."Strangled with the obsession of assessing Ben to the light, Rey finds herself in a stickler.Knee deep in memories, she realizes she has to attack the heart of the problem, which lies somewhere deep within the recesses of Ben's mind.She decides she needs to save him, or die trying.(My first time ever posting a fanfiction on this site, let me know what you guys think!)





	1. Chapter 1

_Ben_.

"Are you sure about this?" General Organa stood stiffly at the opening of the Falcon, her arms folded across her chest with hesitance, but it was not enough to make Rey change her mind. Both women stood there silently, neither of them knowing nothing about saying a pleasant goodbye. Goodbyes were never easy to begin with though.

 

Rey looked over her shoulder at the immensely vast dense jungle of the uncharted planet they had landed on, and thought about Ben for the third time that day. She found the wild tresses of the force calling for her from outside of their spacecraft, the space craft she had grown very fond of.

 

"Yes." Rey nodded, knowing it was taking her too long. That any longer, and she would back out of the entire plan she had constructed.

 

"You must really care about him, if you are willing to risk your life like this." The general spoke, her emotions tracing her words and she sounded, for a moment, like a mother Rey had never had. It was too much for her, and she just simply nodded before turning away from the woman who seemed to fidget with her fingers.

 

Rey knew all too well that the general was accustomed to losing people, and yet with recent events- she was losing more and more of her people.  Rey could not apologize though, She did not even bother trying to apologize for the sudden change of heart to her friends who had insisted about seeing her off. She could not allow it, and only told them all that she would be back. No matter what, she would see to it that they saw her safe and sound.

 

"May the force be with you... Rey." Princess Leia called from behind her as she descended the steps and placed herself on the rocky surface of her new home, her home for now. She did not even bother watching as Chewie drove the falcon up and out of the atmosphere. She could not watch, because she would not allow herself to regret. Not when she was about to put everything at stake.

 

She stood for a moment before closing her eyes to finally assess the force that she had buried deep within her. The force that she had not bothered using since the day she had left him. It had been a solid six months of building up all her mental walls, so he would not dig his way through. She did so out of the pure fact that she did not want him finding out her location, she did it out of fear, out of hate, out of sadness. But there was a change deep within her, within the force, and she knew that even through the walls; that Ben could feel it too. That in the end she would never really be able to get away from him.

 

They were bound. And she could not continue running from the fact.

 

The force rippled from her in waves before washing over her completely, and she could feel the entirety of the world that she was on. It was simple, nothing too dangerous, and yet it had enough wildness that made her nervous. She had to watch her back, and be weary, but when had she ever not? Getting the roundabouts of the place, she pressed forward and sought out shelter, which by her calculations, resided within an abandoned cave a few miles away. It almost seemed to easy, but she was relieved none the less at the fact that this planet was perfect for what she was planning to do. Perfect that when she underwent her meditation, she would not have to worry about being bothered.

 

She never believed anything to ever be this humid before, and within an hour of being there, she was dripping from head to toe with sweat. It was something that did not bother her native Jakku blood though, the heat she could take- it was the cold that made her more sensitive.

 

_The empire, your parents, the resistance, the sith, the jedi, let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. That's the only way to become what you are meant to be._

 

The sudden impact of the memory brought her to her knees, as it often did when she became endorsed within it. It was as if even though she had the strongest mental block against him, he still remained. He always remained. It even came to a point that it began to feel as if the constant reminders were hints to a much larger picture. Everything hurt at this point. Hurt because it made her want to let go, to let him in, to let the bond snap into place. Something she was clearly not ready to do- not yet.

 

She grinded her teeth before she pulled herself back to her feet and continued through the overly dense forest frame. It seemed to fight her as she pushed forward, her makeshift staff swatting a path for her as she checked for any dangers near by. She was nearing the cave, she could feel it.

 

 

 

 

 

It had been seven days, according to the familiar tally marks etched into the limestone of the cave. Seven entire days of beginning the mindless routine of surviving on the planet with beautiful birds that did not taste all too well. It was after watching the way the animals, who remained unbothered by her presence, interacted with one another; that she figured out what not to eat. The only thing that bothered her was the rotation of the planet, which gave her a total of five hours of sunlight before it became encased in total darkness.

 

She had become thankful for the three moons that hung lazily in the sky, and even found it much easier to hunt at night than in the day. The darkness became something she looked forward to. She hardly slept, ate plenty, and found a good watering hole not too far from the cave. Even though the cave itself supplied a flowing stream, crystal clear and cold as ice.

 

 

 

Every day she let herself tap into the force, and little by little allowed herself to become aware of it again. Through meditation she sought the constant line of peace which hung heavily in the air of the planet. Everything was right, and she realized that she was more ready to face him now than she ever had been. And the thought made her smile as she sat cross legged, basking in the evening glow that the two suns radiated.

 

 

She stabilized herself and completely allowed the fullness of the force flow through her, mimicking the bubbling stream within the cave behind her. Though along with the force, she felt him. A distant thunderous roll of darkness rumbled through her, and she pushed it back with a sudden intake of breath. It was just as she expected. The bond. Which clicked in place almost instantly.

 

"You." The voice of the man that haunted her every waking moment practically radiated through her as if she had been struck by lightning. She shuddered and suddenly her plan began to crumble around the edges.

 

"You." She whispered, more to herself than him. She could feel his presence but chose to look down at her feet, which were bare and black from the dirt.

 

"Why?"

 

"Why?" She mimicked, not entirely comfortable with the fact of how this could go. Not comfortable with the fact that fear began raking its way through her veins. The last time she had seen him, he was murderous. Bent on tearing his enemy apart, and she was his enemy. Wasn't she?

 

"You abandoned me. _Why_? I offered you everything." He spit, his voice holding as much venom in it that it practically stung. She could hear a rustle, and accidentally looked up and into the dark eyes of the supreme leader himself. He was too close.

 

"I did not abandon you." She spat back, pure hurt echoing through her just as it shined within his eyes. She could feel his darkness try and intrude her mental shield, and she pushed back with warning. He did not even bother blinking as he watched her face closely. "I had to save myself, Ben."

 

"My name is NOT Ben." He reminded cooly.

 

"It is- to me."

 

"Like you care." He closed his eyes and his nostrils began to flare. He was a ticking time bomb, and she was suddenly wrapping around herself out of nervous habit. Her movement did not go unnoticed as he opened his eyes again. He was a few feet away, towering over her, as she curled up into herself. "Why haven't you yelled? Where is the passion? Why aren't you calling me a **_monster_**?"

 

She watched his hands curl up into fists; the only real movement that had escaped him since their bond snapped into place. The amount of power Ren held as he stood, formally, his dark eyes watching within the darkness. He looked disheveled, worn, tired; he looked older from the stress that flitted across his features. He looked like he could tear apart any world.

 

It definitely made her second guess herself, or why she had ever planned on tapping back into the force to begin with. Regret filled her heart, and pure adrenaline began to coarse through her trembling body. She did not even bother hiding it from him as she shivered within the twilight of the night. She had let him in too easily, and he came all too quickly. As if he had been waiting, a predator all in all.

 

The moment hesitance from her made the air tense before she found her ground. "I am the same girl who took your hand that night, the same girl that helped you defeat Snoke in the throne room." She was up on her feet out of the pure passion fluttering through her. Hope. "I still believe in you, I still believe that you can change."

 

"Don't waste your breath." His face twisted up into a snarl, one of pure hatred and hurt. He was disgusted by her, and it made her want to recoil even more.

 

"I care." She pleaded, her voice trembled out of her. A far cry into the vast darkness that dwelled underneath Kylo's skin.

 

He scoffed and shut his eyes out of pure annoyance. "You do not care, you never did."

 

 

 

And then he was gone.


	2. Let it Under Your Skin, Sweetheart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You went straight to the dark."
> 
> _______________________________________________________

 

 

She did not see him for the next six days. Some part of her was thankful, but the other part of her knew he had somehow found a way of blocking it. He was blocking her out.

 

It was very late at night, but she hardly cared. She knew that she needed to wait, wait until he was unaware; until he was asleep.

 

She had walked for miles until she found the sandy area of what Leia had called a beach; and marveled at the softness of the sand- which glittered underneath the moonlight like small diamonds. It was soft enough for her to sit down and settle into the meditative state of listening to the soft laps of the waves meeting the shore.

 

She was too young, too inexperienced to be going out on a limb, but it was all she had. So she let herself slip into the embrace of the force, and followed the small thread of darkness to the mental block kylo had so skillfully constructed.

 

Upon reaching it, hopelessness flitted through her. She knew there was no way of getting through to him, not with him being aware of her presence, not with the light. Her stomach curdled with anxiety as it often did when she thought of the darkness.

The darkness that now prowled across that barrier.

 

_You went straight to the dark_.

 

Luke's words whispered through her like the wind casually blowing off from the ocean near her, and that was when it clicked. She had to allow herself to be cloaked with darkness to be able to trespass.

 

The idea absolutely terrified her. Darkness was the last thing she wanted to accompany, and Kylo knew that. He knew that and he created a wall out of the very idea that Rey would never try it.

 

She hummed softly, mimicking a distant bird call within the night, and found herself burying her fingertips within the sand to stabilize herself.

 

_You are doing this to help him Rey_. She reminded herself as she slowly recoiled from their bond and began to focus on herself. _Just do not let it consume you, do not get lost._

 

_**But you need to get lost to be found**_.

 

 

 

 

_Suddenly she was hungry._ _Starving and savage._

_Barely old enough to fend for herself, let alone kill something._

_She awaited in the dead of the night, half of her body buried beneath the sand to keep her warm._

_The sand clung to her, strangling her. The voice in the back of her throat itched to call out for them, but it had been days and she could not continue going without food or water._

_She was too weak, and the metal object in her hand cut into her._

_It had been so long, too long, and she told herself the next thing she saw she was going to eat it. Raw, wiggling._

_It did not matter._

_Nothing mattered except the fact that she was abandoned and alone._

 

_There was a sudden squawking sound that sent a tremor through her. She was so hungry, and the sound itself made her salivate. She picked herself up from the heaviness of the sand and began to hurry. Adrenaline threaded through her veins, keeping her weak limbs moving over the nearest sand dune, towards her salvation._

_Upon crossing over the top of the dune she had to squint through the sudden trickle of darkness that began to steal her daylight. The daylight she had relied on too fondly for hunting for food._

_She became confused._

_The loud chirping sound was loud and piercing through the silence of the sand, and yet she was completely ignorant to the object that was producing such horrible sounds. Her stomach growled angrily, sending her to her knees._

 

_"Get away you CURSED CREATURES!" An equally strange voice engulfed the air, as she finally made out the scene in front of her, as the ruckus followed pursuit over the adjacent dune. A terrifying creature on top of an equally terrifying mount being swarmed by tiny squawking fluff balls of annoying chitter._

_She could not think rationally and tore out into a sudden run. Her knees threatened to buckle, her poor shoes filled to the brim with sand. She could feel the blisters from the sand split open and bleed. But all she could focus on was the ache of her heart, the emptiness within her soul. The starvation that threaded through her._

 

_It did not take her long to rip into one of the noisy creatures. She grabbed it with needy hands and began to rip into its poor body. Choking on feathers; she dry heaved- totally ignoring the on watching creature that was being attacked._

_She even ignored the onslaught that had turned onto her by the little creatures, which began to panic from the sudden intrusion._

_They clawed and pecked, their sudden attacks urging the savage girl into a more frenzied feast._

_It was not enough, and it was sooner than later she had sought after the next one. Her bloodied fingers finding it about the same time her teeth did._

_She growled out a warning, feeling her face and shoulders ache from the battle between her and the little critters._

_She did not even have time to process the feeling of something wrap around her, the feeling of being snatched from her food made her cry out angrily._

 

_She had been entangled within somethinh, and the thing that had her in its grasp began to move; dragging her alongside through the sand that began to make her wounds sting angrily. She yowled out of pure anger, out of hurt, and fear._

_"Taking you to Unkar, don't think hes seen one of your kind in a long while." It gurgled and clicked, and she could barely understand._

_She was too young to understand, she was too young to feel this way. She began to cry, only to be stung with a sharp bolt of an object from her captor._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Rey slipped from her flashback and sucked in a sharp breath, her heart was beating so hard it ached. She grew unsteady from the memory, and her eyes stung with tears. She did not allow herself to become ransacked by the feelings she had pushed away; she felt weak and knew it would not be long until the small trickle of the darkness seeped its way into her heart.

 

 

 

She reminded herself that this was for Ben.


	3. You Really Did it This Time, Kid.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Ben Solo had a very good memory, unlike her. He seemed to be very fond of remembering."

 

 

 

**You are alone.**

 

**He will never believe you.**

 

**He has given up on you.**

 

**Abandoned you.**

 

**Like your family.**

 

She felt the sand against her fingertips and grounded herself once more as she allowed the darkness to take root. It had something she wanted, and she was not leaving until she had a bite.

 

 _Ben_.

 

She reached out through the force, again following the thread that seemingly lead to the massive wall he had constructed. The wall that began to wiggle and run like ink against a page.

 

She walked forward and placed her essence upon the structure and allowed the inkiness to sink into her skin. It coated her, covering her with the soft feather light feeling. A purr. It clung to her like tar, and began to eat away at her as she pressed further into the wall, begging it to let her in.

 

She needed to get to him. The feeling of abandonment was so strong she could taste it. It was hot and heady like blood, choking her as she allowed it to override her senses.

 

She promised herself that as soon as she got back to her side, that she would cleanse herself. Help balance back into the light.

 

But she knew the darkness would scar.

 

**_Why did she leave me?_ **

 

**_Rey. Rey. Rey._ **

 

**_I hate her, I  hate her._ **

 

**_Stupid pathetic scavenger._ **

 

**_She will pay, she will  pay._ **

 

She could hear his thoughts rush through her as she pushed herself through and into his mind. She was overridden with the feelings of betrayal, of hurt, pain, fascination. She was caught on a stalemate as she continued to drift forward. Digging deeper. Images, feelings, everything swept past her like a snow storm.

 

She was impaled with pain and reached up to her face; to her heart.

 

His thoughts concerning her were borderline obsessive, and it strangled her with fear.

 

She continued.

 

She passed the dream he was currently involved in, a young boy crying out in anger as his master failed him. It struck interest, and she moved closer before finding yet another thread, another string, and followed it to the section of his mind that she never thought of before.

 

His memory palace.

 

Darkness clung to the tresses of his mind in a labyrinth of memorabilia. Feeding off of it like a leech sucking at blood. She gaped.

 

Ben Solo had a very good memory, unlike her. He seemed to be very fond of remembering.

 

She pressed forward, following the thin string to the very first memory which was locked behind a door with a plaque that read. "The Beginning."

 

She tugged on the door and found it weakly locked knowing; because the overall air of Ben's mind, that the doors would be harder and harder to get into as time passed. She paused as her hand met the door handle, and decided that she would worry about how to unlock the more complicated doors later. Instead she rocked on her feet for a few moments, trying to calm the inner and outer turmoil.

 

He felt so much, and it was suffocating. It was the pain in which she knew she needed for inspiration to continue onwards.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

" _Who're you?_ "

 

_She had slipped into the memory easier than she thought, and took a look around the room._

 

_"Who. Are. You?" The question flitted across the massive room; from a small twin size bed._

 

_She could only make out the fact that Ben Solo appeared to be around the age of five; by the soft moonlight that filtered through the window just above his bed. It cascaded over his face, casing jagged shadows._

 

_"A friend." Was the only thing that came to her as she stood fidgeting from one foot to the other; a balancing act. She never thought he would be aware of her presence within his memory, but it was Ben Solo- and it made her shiver._

 

_"A friend? I have no friends." The little boy called within the silence, hurt lacing his trembling voice as he hugged the covers around him. He appeared to have been hugging himself before she came into the picture, and the sight alone made her heart shutter._

 

_"Ah, well- I am a friend from the future. I am here to help you." She took a step forward without realization. There was no movement from him as he watched her with unblinking eyes, a habit he had apparently always possessed._

 

_"Why do I need help?" Was the question that she somehow knew was coming. It died quickly on the tip of his tongue as a loud crashing sound immersed from what sounded like somewhere in the rest of the house. Everything was too dark, but she found herself looking around the room anyways. Admiring the space figurines hanging by small wires from the ceiling. Or the way the room was coated with the color that she never knew she would love; grey._

 

_"Because there are things that happen in the future that are -hard. But I want you to know that I am here for you, just like a best friend should always be." She flashed a grin, trying to act friendly. She was not use to being around children, and reached forward with her force to try and read what was going on through his mind; instantly feeling horrible for the fact that she had become that desperate. So, she found herself walking towards him; slowly but surely._

 

_The fighting commenced to an inaudible arguing that made them both flinch. Han's voice boomed, and even though she tried to still her thoughts to listening to their warble; she knew that she would not be able to understand because this was only a memory._

 

_"But, why have I not known about you before?" His boyish voice pursued it's steady questioning, and she had gotten close enough to be able to see the expressions on his young face. It was pinched with hurt, his nose and his chubby cheeks were stained pink from the crying that had underwent before she appeared. He had his eyes closed for a moment, his eyebrows furrowed into the look of thought; and his right hand was tangled within his very short wavy hair. Another habit she had never seen him do, but wondered, curiously; whether or not he still twirled a strand of hair out of pure nervousness._

 

_She finally sat down on the edge of the bed, somehow more comfortable than she was a moment ago. "Because you do not meet me until much later."_

 

_He opened his eyes and leaned forward to her out of curiosity. His eyes had taken her back with how completely black they were; their analyzing making her feel much more aware of things. Like it did not matter his age, that underneath his skin he was much more than just a simple child._

 

_"So, why now?"_

 

_"Because now is the time you need me the most, and so here I am." She watched back, admiring the ears two sizes too big. It made him look so innocent, and it made her smile for a moment._

 

_"But how do you know tha-" She could feel something from the force calling her. Warning her._

 

_"I have to go now. I am truly sorry." She whispered cutting him off, she moved forward as if she were going to try and tuck him in out of the habit she had created from tucking in an old doll of hers every night. The fighting had dulled down to a slam of doors, landing an eerie silence._

 

 _"Please don't go._ _" He begged softly while she left the bedside. He had made to reach out to touch her, but thought again._

 

_"I will be back Ben. I promise" She reassured, her heart beginning to race out of anxiety. Time was ticking._

 

_"What is your name? So the next time I wish, it would just be easier..." The scared little boy called, his eyes wide in the darkness of the night. Rey bumped into one of his action figures that swung softly on it's string._

 

_"Rey."_

 

_"R-a-yuh" He pronounced softly before they locked eyes, and she was instantly sucked from the memory._


	4. Scavenger

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey dreamed of a little boy with a scar less face, and ears too big for his head.

 

 

 

 

 

Nothing felt right. Everything was a sudden blur of nauseous reality. She began choking on sand at the same time her face erupted with pain.

She was face first, drowning on the powdered sand that stung every time she had the nerve to breath, spitting up the bile in the back of her throat; the bile that looked too much like blood against the perfection of biology. _At least I am back on the island._ Her thoughts stirred; half together and half mad.

She shivered in the early morning dusk and through blurry eyes she could make out a large shape curled up beside her; covered in moonlight. The ache within her skull drilled into her dizziness and a strangled noise slipped from her lips.

“You are bleeding.” The rumble of the voice beside her was so soft, it was almost lost to the sound of the waves overlapping the sand. She tried to open her eyes once more, but failed to make him out clearly.

Silence proceeded as she struggled, the only sound was the rattled breath that wheezed from her every few seconds. It was so hard to breath, and the longer she lay after rolling over to her back, the more and more she felt nasty. Covered in sweat and sand, she could feel her skin begin to itch out of discomfort.

She ended up pulling herself to a sitting position and gritted her teeth from the sharp twist within her gut and skull. Something warm began to run from her nose, and she subconsciously swiped at it.

“I thought you were dead. That is why I let down the wall.” His voice was too loud, a sudden contrast to the lapping of the waves, and suddenly she felt as if he were much closer than he had been at first. She did not say anything, only continued to struggle with breathing with her eyes closed. “I could not feel you any more…” Another pause, another length of silence that felt much longer than earlier.

“you worried ‘bout me?” Her voice was broken, spoken between breaths. She felt something cold against her forehead and realized it was a wet rag. The cool temperature of the rag felt wonderful against the headache, but she would never admit that to him.

“No.” But if he did care about her, he would never admit it. She felt the urge to laugh and she would have, but instead let the lack of communication fill in the void. “What ever you are up to, it will kill you. I can feel it. Rey,” his voice dying before he could say her name all the way.

She put her hand up to the rag and used it to shakily wipe away the sand and blood from her face. She had lied back down at some point and could not even remember.

“Whatever foolish plan you have, it is not going to work. Give up.” He warned, but it sounded like he was begging. As if he knew he was unredeemable, too far gone to let her ruin herself, but then again maybe he did not care. His voice was too controlled for her to assume anything; it was the voice of a leader finally settling into his position. It was a voice of a man, and not a child. A man with a warning.

“Let it kill me then.” Irritability rippled across their bond and tapped on the wall of her mind; her mind that somehow continued to stand strong through her pain. She could not back down. Not now. He had not mentioned anything about her trespassing into his memories and made to open her eyes again; but regretted it from the sudden embrace of sunlight. He recoiled, and she instantly worried over the reason why.

“What is ‘t you think ‘m up to.” She grumbled, every word a sudden jab at her skull. It earned a hum from the back of his throat, something she could not quite understand, but then again; she was never able to understand him. He was the ever-growing mystery in the back of her mind.

“There is no telling.” Silence, the soft chatter of birds calling out around her as the island began to wake up. She theorized if he could hear them, if he was trying to contemplate where she was. If he did, he did not bother voicing it aloud, instead she could hear the movement of fabric as he shifted next to her. “Whatever you are doing, I know you are not strong enough to withstand it. I know that the mental block I have arranged is enough to keep you away until you have a teacher. Without a teacher, this.” A sigh, possibly implied about her current state. “this will only grow worse.” Her mind reeled, painful as it was, and she felt like she should say something. Anything. Everything. It had not dawned on her that she was practically physically damaged, and the reminder made her realize that she did not want to be alone.

She wanted to ask him to stay but knew not to. He would never stoop so low to comfort her, not like any other normal person would.

“Although we are enemies, scavenger. I do not want you to be ignorant to the ways of the force, and my offer still remains. All you have to do is ask.” His statement flowed along with the wind, carrying even after he had disappeared back behind his shield of mockery. It made her warm with temper, to the point that she knew he was only able to get away without a snarky comment because of her condition. She knew what he meant, but she did not want to be his student.

She did not want to be a student to him, if anything, she wanted just a simple training companion- his equal.

She just did not know what that would mean. How could someone of his status and mindset ever be her equal?

She let herself drift into a sudden light meditation of listening to the crash of the waves and slipped peacefully into a deep sleep of revival.

 

 

Rey dreamed of a little boy with a scar less face, and ears too big for his head.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**_Rey, I know its hard, but let it in._ **

**_Let it in, let it in._ **

**_Once it’s in, you will not hurt any more._ **

**_Let it be, do not fight it._ **

**_You’ve fought for too long, let yourself heal._ **

**_I cannot allow myself to watch you suffer._ **

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

_Eight years old, Plutt had told her. Even though he did not know, and she could not remember. So, she was eight years old amongst the creatures she had never even imagined before._

_There were no other like her, she was all alone; and she felt like she would always be that way._

_Everyday had become a nightmare of heat and grime, and every night she slept alongside all of the other orphans and slaves, sold off to the man as mean as the heat was unbearable._

_Her name was Runt, and it was the only thing she could understand from the rest of the scavenging crew. It spread and with a shout, a point, a snort, a shove, and often times the back of the hand; she learned her name quickly._

_Rey was the smallest, the nimblest, and the most delicate. She learned almost immediately that through the years it was important to cover yourself well from the sun, and did so to the point that within the reflections of the machines; she no longer looked like a human. Just another creature with a mask._

_Plutt began to call her his. That she would always be his._

_Days began to pass by quicker as she began to grow; but each day that passed she could not help thinking about the need for her parents._

_It was not until she met a creature, covered head to toe with scraps of fabric to cover himself, unlike the other creatures. He reminded her so much of a human that she felt like she was no longer alone._

_Through his actions and teachings; he became her dearest friend. Rey named him Dirt._

_Dirt was fond of drawing in the sand and reading the books she had scrapped from the junk pits._

_He taught her what she needed to know so she began learning how to read. And Rey soon found out that Dirt was two hundred and twenty-one moons old; that he was something humans had called: A Mute. And for whatever reason, he never took off his aviator mask._

_Dirt began to write a name in the sand, the name she would become to be known as Rey._

_Dirt loved to draw maps._

_On his off days from working as a mechanic he would either stay and teach her how to build and fix, or he would disappear over the dunes._

_Often times, Rey would sulk from being left alone, and continued to be confused until one day he told her of a map he created. One that would take her to an old AT-AT Walker._

_He gave her a hand-woven journal he had made- with a map to where the Walker lied and wrote below it “If ever we should get away from this place, we can hide here.”_

_She treasured the journal and hid it on her person every day. In a blink of an eye, they had both grown through six years together. He much taller and wiry, she remained short and petite from malnourishment._

_His teachings became more complicated as he tried to challenge her more and more._

_The days began to get harder for Rey._

_While she could scavenge very well, still, she also began to grow in ways she never knew she could. In return, Plutt began making remarks, ones that she did not understand._

_Remarks that made sense in the dead of night when she watched some of the female creatures being taken away to the back chambers. They would come back beaten and bruised, other times some would never even come back._

_She began to work through the day and the night. Refusing the sleep with the orphans and slaves of her team._

_Dirt began to distance himself._

_The only time of the day he would even try seeing her was during her hours of scavenging, where he would tag along for a fleeting period of time, helping her carry the more heavier stuff._

_It was not until one night, she woke up with him scooping her into his arms, it had been too dark for her to see, it was darker than usual. At first, she thought he was one of the bad men, but knew it was him by the pinch to the cheek; something he would do frequently if she was not paying attention._

_Once they were out of the sleeping hut, and underneath the twinkling stars, she saw him for the first time without his mask. Taken back by the expression on his face, she felt the rattled breath escape him as he quickly made his way from the village’s limits. He was so ugly, and yet she decided he was the most beautiful thing she had ever seen at the age of fourteen. He was prettier than all of the ships, than the sand, than the moon and stars._

_Each time he moved she could feel her robe grow warm, and a smell drifted through the air. The smell of blood._

_She went to escape his arms when he fell, his arms protecting her from the sandy fall._

_They were far enough away from the village that he lie there for a moment before giving her a sack full of books, and hand woven journals._

_She began to cry, because she knew. She knew something had happened from the amount of blood covering his chest._

_Run, he etched into the sand. His eyes large and beady, with a glint from the full moon that had hung low within the sky._

_He quickly grabbed at something within his robe whilst his body began to tremble and jerk anxiously. Shouts were overheard._

_When he handed her the piece of parchment, she knew what it was._

_A map to the Walker._

_The map he had talked about for years._

_The map she had within the journal he had given her._

_Her body could not move for a moment, as if stuck in time, impaled on the act to stay and fight. She was crying so hard that her tiny form trembled.._

_Run. He motioned, his long bony hands missing fingers that weren’t missing yesterday._

_And she ran, her heart aching as she watched her friend die underneath the stars, she left without a goodbye and did not look back as Plutt’s assassins picked their way through the night. Growing dangerously close._

_She ran across the dirt, her robe clinging to her in bloody wet ringlets._

_Her entire body ached from being woken up and set into action so quickly._

_She carried the books, and the map knowing he had given her all of the knowledge she needed to survive._

_It wasn’t until hours later she reached the Walker, exhausted and scared. Her footprints lost amongst the sandy dunes from the wind that had begun to pick up._

_She had put her mask on at some point during the trek, so she could continue to remain hidden to the rest of the world._

_When she walked into the bunker, she could make out exactly what Dirt had been planning all along. Everything was made from the very hands of her master, the one that made sure no one messed with her for the last six years. The teacher, the friend, the only person who seemed to know her struggles._

_Her want to belong._

_Oh, but now she knew that he wanted her to live._

_It wasn’t until she opened one of the journals she could make out the markings of all of the maps he ever made within his life time, and on the very first page it marked: Rey._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys are liking it so far 😊


	5. Where is your daddy?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You’re real,” He murmured, his hands combing through his short combed back hair out of nervous habit. “After five years, and you’ve finally come.”

 

 

 

_She stood far behind everyone, hidden into the bold contrast of the shadows that hung heavily throughout the edges of the room._

_Within the very center of the room, played a hologram that flickered and twitched, creating shadows that played at the outer edges of Rey’s vision._

_Whatever noise came from it was lost to the memory of Ben. Ben, who stood dressed in a simple clad uniform ( something his mother obviously dressed him up in), and watched the conference drag on; Rey could tell that he hated it by the way he played with the sleeves of the button up shirt which crinkled more and more as the seconds ticked on. He stood quietly, in front of her, most likely put there by his mother so he could accompany a boy a few years older._

_Rey had been there for a few minutes, unknown to the young Ben; who looked to be the prime of a ten-year-old. He had watched his mother the entire time, as the kid beside him tried desperately to catch his attention. It did not surprise her how more uniquely mature Ben was, compared to the other; who stood a good few feet taller, with hair so fluffy and white it stuck out around his head like a halo. She assumed, by his attire, that his father was the general that Leia was currently talking to._

_Leia, Rey stopped thinking once she had seen the beautiful woman. She watched the general as she stood straight and talked with a firm voice; she was every bit of the commander that Rey was used to. Her intricate braids wrapped around her head, giving her bare face a regal structure that was something otherworldly to the scavenger. Witch such vivid detail, she wondered what was so special about this memory for it to be so crisp._

_She watched the memory play on, it’s low buzz creating the atmosphere of a child’s boredom in politics; which she understood completely. Disagreeing with the fact that Ben had to attend something so important at such a young age._

_“Where’s your daddy? Loser?” The kid’s annoying voice cut through the air, silencing everything; although everyone played on as if they did not hear it. It was Ben who became still, his fingers on both hands twitching with agitation._

_For a few moments it felt like time seemed to slow to a heart shattering stop._

_It was too quick, quick enough that no one else in the room caught it as they continued to talk. Leia began to laugh in slow motion as everything slowed down._

_The boy began to levitate, his beady eyes rolling into the back of his head as his hands grappled at his throat; which began to grow violet._

_Ben was force choking him, and Rey’s heart sped up as if on cue._

_She was astonished. The amount of strength that pulsated from the small child of ten was unbelievable, and as his small left hand reached out ever so slowly, she wished she could see his face or know what he was thinking._

_Before she knew it, she was wrapping her arms around him, pulling him close to her in a tight embrace._

_“Ben.” She whispered, her lips skimming his right ear as she leaned down to put her chin on his shoulder._

_He did not flinch or even acknowledge her, and she glanced side longingly at his boyish face, as he maintained a watchful gaze at his mother. Beautiful Leia who glanced over just in time to see what her young boy was up to._

_Ben’s expression which fixated on a eerie calm demeanor._

_“Ben, please.” Rey whispered again, begging. Her eyes flickered over to the general to see the young woman’s face go pale with fear. Something that registered to Rey like a look of shame. It seemingly registered to Ben as well, who began to tremble beneath her. “Im here for you, Im here.” She soothed, suddenly thankful no one else could see her. She watched his dark eyes close as he ever so slightly leaned into her. Giving her some of the weight without making it too obvious to anyone else; he was smart, she had to give him that._

_“Let him go.” She whispered, ignoring how everything around them sped up to normalcy. Ignoring the screaming of his mother who was oblivious to the way Ben shuddered from Rey's embrace._

_“Rey.”  Her name tumbled from his lips in a sigh. His puffy cheeks turning blotchy from pure passion. His dark eyes closed, and the hand that had been held out, fell back to it’s position by his side._

_All the while, the bully had begun to turn purple, scratching so wildly at his neck that it looked bloody and red; he fell to the ground with a sickening crunch of flesh on linoleum._

_Leia was upon her son, instantly kneading his arm as she yanked him from Rey’s arms._

_“What have I told you?!” She growled underneath her breath so the other’s would not hear, “You might as well should have asked them to go to war, Ben.” She ripped him away from the chaos that unraveled behind them in the conference room, and into a long hallway with boisterous echoes that mocked the three of them as they found their way into another room._

_Ben had not said a word as he allowed his mother to scold him, obviously aware of it and not bothering to explain himself. As she guided him into the room a few doors down, he settled into a stiff stance and even jumped from the noise of his mother slamming the door behind them._

_His eyes found Rey, and they twinkled dangerously._

_“I told you this remained a secret between the family, baby, I told you this- and look what has happened. You better wish upon the stars that the general only passes it off as a quarrel.” Her face was the epilogue for fear. The general left quickly, slamming the door behind her, leaving Rey all along with young Ben whose eyes never ventured._

_“You’re real,” He murmured, his hands combing through his hair out of nervous habit. His right wrist was red from his mother's grip. “After five years, and you’ve finally come.”_

_The muscle jumped in his face, but it was all he expressed. She assumed it was only the tip of the iceberg; that his turmoil ran much deeper._

_“I apologize Ben, this…this process is much harder than I imagined, and I am not yet in control of it.” She stood a few feet away, and remained composed well enough._

_“I thought you were just a fragment of my imagination.” His eyes closed and his right eyebrow dipped low in a thoughtful grimace, as if he had not heard her because of something else within. He is too mature for his age, she thought, and watched as something invaded his thoughts. “I don’t believe you.”_

_“Believe me, Please- Ben- I am here to help you, to stop the voices.” She took a step forward, he did not bother to open his eyes._

_A few moments of silence passed._

_“Tell me what you know- of the voices.” His eyes opened, and suddenly he was upon her; grabbing her hand with a clammy grip, hard enough to make her squirm uncomfortably. She sucked in a sharp breath as an invasive feeling trickled through her. It felt as if an electric hot wire flooded her veins, and every nerve ending within her body ached with pain. She closed her eyes, soothing it instantly, pushing forward with the light that burned at the sudden darkness._

_A cool feeling soothed her as she reminded herself to not show fear, not now._

_She could not allow fear to control her, as she monitored the amount of untamed power that rippled underneath his skin. A soft inhale could be heard from young Ben as she began to soothe him through the force._

_“I know that they tell you to doubt, I know that they seem to be there when no one else is.” She murmured, not feeling the need to speak any louder “but I am here, and I will continue to be here for you always.”_

_“I cannot believe in some one who disappears for five years, with no answers to any of my questions, with no proof.” His words plucked at her, echoing through her in waves of overlapping consequence. “Could you blame me?”_

_Her eyes opened to find him watching their hands, which were intertwined within his death grip. “What is it that I need to do, to gain your trust young Ben Solo?”_

_“If you want me to trust you, then you have to prove it to me- prove to me that you will come back, and more frequently. That if you truly care about me, you will come back.” The words escaped him as if they had been thought over time and time again. Had he truly been looking forward to their next visit that much?_

_She must have been taking too long to respond because his young voice spoke once more. “If you care about me, you will come back.”_

_It was her turn to watch him, as his chubby baby face flushed red, at the certain wildness that clung to the messiness of his short hair, and the way his dark eyes blinked back the emotion he bottled up._

_“I will try, but I cannot promise that I can see you every day…this…what I am doing takes time, and a lot of effort.” She squeezed his hand, forgetting for a moment that she was still subconsciously calming him down._

_“but I will see you again?”_

_“yes.”_

_He nodded and let go of her hand just in time for Leia to walk back into the room._

_Rey would have given anything to hear the next thing she was going to say but disappeared from the memory before she could._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Time passed without any sign from him.

The real world became a blurry haze of routine, and she found herself slipping more and more into the daydream of the memories.

It became a drug; this want to save the man who could destroy the universe within the matter of a few words.

Though the mind-numbing questions sought her in the dead of the night as she lie awake, thinking. Always thinking.

What would happen if he did get turned to the light side?

What was the need to save someone who was unwilling to be saved?

Was this all for the resistance? Was she even apart of the resistance?

The last time she checked, she had been thrown into the chaos of it all without as much as a “Are you okay? How are you?”

It was as if she were just a puppet; just a girl that had the force, who had no idea of anything- and had no training whatsoever.

So, why was she expected to be this great hero doomed to save them all?

Was she even a hero? If so, why did it feel so very overwhelming. Why did it feel like she was doing more harm than good?

 _Because you care_ she told herself, _you are doing this for your friends_.

If she was the only one able to stop the imperialists from controlling the galaxy, then she could not let down the people who counted on her the most.

She had to buy them time to rebuild, so she had to keep Kylo busy, if she could even keep him sidetracked in the first place.

But with the constant reminder of being shut out, told her she was wrong on every level.

So, what could she do but slip into the pool of fantasy?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Have you ever loved, scavenger?**

**Do you even know what _love_ feels like?**


	6. Cat and Mouse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "And what if it makes me feel alive? What then?"

 

 

 

_She was being hunted, as she passed into the threshold of the memory, her legs automatically acting to move forward._

_Though she paused, for a mere moment, and listened to the mockery of the forest around her._

_It brought the feeling of being watched onto her as she could feel the needle like trees ache; hungry in their twisted forms, like creatures, stretched towards the sky with agony. They were veiled with a dense fog that lapped at everything in her field of vision; veiling him._

_She knew he was near by the energy that pricked at the nape of her neck, an energy that she had felt the first time they had ever met. The energy of one that was more aware of their force, the energy of hatred, of anger, and fear._

_She made to begin walking forwards but stopped at the sudden snapping of something nearby. A clear bell within the dusk of the daylight. She was contemplating how much time had passed, when a voice so feather light reached her ears._

_"_ _Always late." It was a man' voice, a voice just reaching its full potential of maturity. It was the voice she knew of Ben, of the present._

_She did not bother turning as she felt him pace around her within the density of the fog, cloaking himself from her like a predator would prey. Her body wanted to start, her legs ached to run, but she planted herself there._

_"_ _I expected you to go against your promise, and yet here you are...seven years later." The venom that seeped into his voice was enough, it sucked all of the remaining breath out of her and left her faint. She had been trying so hard to be there for him, but what was it all for if she had skipped ahead seven years? She had practically missed so much of his life; it made her want to scream out of frustration._

_She began forward, until pain feathered it's way up her arm as she felt large hands yank her back into a body much larger than hers._

_"_ _You're not sorry." He rumbled out, his grip on her making her squirm against him, she wished desperately to see how he was, that he was only still the child she had known when she had seen him last. She prayed that the dark side had not taking its toll this early but knew from the anger that radiated from him that she might as well be too late._

_She went to turn around to see him but was quickly blindfolded by one of his massive hands._

_"_ _You don't even know what feeling sorry is like." The dark voice purred, and she finally recognized the situation she was in. She was trapped in darkness, her arms captured behind her back by her oppressor. And not only was all of that happening, a sudden feeling dawned on her, it was the feeling of Ben reading her thoughts, her feelings- her emotions. He was making his way into her mind as she had her guard down. She grinded her teeth and immediately shut out the rest of the information, the information she had not wanted him to see._

_His chin came to rest on her shoulder._

_"_ _Why?" The question rolled from his tongue, the warmth from his breath tickling the outer rim of her ear. "Why even bother coming back when you've missed everything? Rey, you told me you would be there, you told me that you would at least try. But you've all but just damned me to face everything alone, when I thought you told me you would always be there for me. I am all alone now, damned to my fate."_

_His hold on her remained tighter than ever, so tight that she squirmed uncomfortably. Everything he was saying began to worm it's way into her brain, burrowing deep and anchoring there. She was the reason he was going to the dark side, she could almost sense it._

_She began to wonder why he bothered covering her eyes but knew immediately that he wanted her to rely on everything else. He wanted her to reflect, to trust him._

_"_ _Ben." Her voice was a sorry excuse for strong. "Ben I know how you feel, and I promise you, you must know that I did not know- or even mean to skip forward this far. I am not perfect, I don't know what I am doingâ€¦all I know is that I care for you enough to put my sanity at risk." She did not realize she was crying until she felt the tears seep down her face through his fingertips._

_He had straightened up, his chin no longer on her shoulder, his comforting breath no longer on her ear. She felt at lost, and yet did not know what she lost. She felt their bond strain as he began to creep back in, seeking the truth within her words. She was happy to give him them, as she pushed forward all of the feelings she felt within the moment._

_Everything became silent and still, but even that did not last long._

_"_ _Why do you punish me so?"_

 _"_ _what?"_

 _"_ _I came here to meet you, like I do every night- ever since I've arrived on this wretched planet." A pause, and she tried imagining the look on his face within her darkness. She stopped squirming and just stood, listening, feeling the rhythmic pattern of his breathing behind her. She had not thought about the sheer closeness of him until that moment. "I have waited, obsessed with the impossible vision that I have experienced called Rey. I have prayed, every second that you would show and take some of the pain away, to prove to me that I was not alone. I began to think I was going mad, that you did not exist. That if you did exist, then why were you tormenting me by being within my dreams, in my thoughts? It's sickening really, this image I have conjured up of you." She felt him release her and blinked at the remaining light filtering through her vision._

_The night had finally blossomed, leaving the two souls standing within a moonlit field surrounded by the impish trees; with their eternal dance of agony. She turned around quickly, seeking the long face she had grown to think about far too much._

_She found it, and almost relished at the sight of the boyish charm that still clung to Ben. Lanky Ben who had not grown into his brutish form. Â Young Ben with the short wispy hair that curled and wisped out around his face, not yet hiding the ears she had grown to miss in her time away from him._

_And the look on his face, the look on his face brought more unwanted tears to her eyes._

_"_ _Punish you? No."She could feel everything she had been bottling up, over the many days she had spent thinking about how to reach him, simply boil over. "Why, in all of the galaxies, would I try and punish you? I am trying to help you. I am trying to show you that the voices are all lies, that you do not need to choose the dark side!! That someone gives a damn!"_

_All emotion cleared from his face as if it had never happened, and he dared step forward._

_"_ _Is this all that it is about- Rey?" Her name became a snarl on his lips, and he was all but a ticking bomb now. "All this time I thought you cared about ME, and not the damned sides!" He made his way over to her and stopped only inches away, his entire form was trembling. "What even makes you think the dark side is bad eh? What gives you the reason to believe that you can save me? You think that a tiny girl can come into my life and tell me she cares about me, that I will automatically just ignore the very darkness that dwells within my being? Oh Rey you are wrong."_

 _"_ _No you don't, you don't understand." She did not bother flinching from his presence. She could not tear her eyes away from him as tears spilled from her. She could feel her face become hot with emotion; all of the air around her seemed to be sapped away as she gasped. â€œI have seen what it has made you into, and I cannot allow you to continue living with the burden. Not if I can help, or take it, or do anything to ease the pain. That darkness within you will consume you,"_

 _" And_ _what if it makes me feel alive? What then?"_

 _"_ _So, you've decided then?"_

 _"_ _No, I haven't. I haven't because I came here to wait on you, and I told myself that I owe you that much, but after tonight, if you did not show- "He turned from her and glanced at the trees around them, his jaw set, his eyes shining from the moonlight that bathed them._

_She wondered for a second where they actually were, but before she could ask he had taken her hand and pressed it into one of his much larger ones._

_"_ _You said you cared for me, mysterious Rey." His voice was young, hesitant like a young boy of seventeen should be. "but do you care enough for me to be willing to prove to me that you are willing to take this burden off of my shoulders?" He laced their fingers together, watching her with that long stare of his. He was too close, and it made her gut twist uncomfortably._

 _"_ _Of course."_

 _"_ _What am I to you, Rey?" His voice was a caress._

 _"You-"_  

 _"_ _Kiss me, show me you care. Show me that all of this isn't just some nightmare, and that you are real like I have wished you to be." A look she had never seen flitted across his features, and suddenly he wasn't such a monster._

_Something unfurled within her stomach, making her uneasy almost instantly. She felt as if she were about to be eaten alive by young Ben who was only a few years younger than she. She knew what the act of kissing was and had seen it plenty of times when accidentally happening across couples. Though, it was something she had never thought she would partake in._

_The want for him to trust her overran the sudden vulnerability she felt about sharing this action with the man who doomed the entirety of the universe._

_She had never known the appeal of kissing, but with the sudden shine in his eyes... And the, soft watchful gaze he possessed as he watched her watch him. Everything grew quiet._

_"_ _Okay."_

 _"_ _Okay." He responded, and ever so slowly slid his arm around her waist to pull her closer. She wondered for a second if he had done something like this before. But the feeling was immediately gone from her and she realized it was him soothing her this time._

 **_No, I've never done anything like this._ ** _The thought filled her and she automatically realized it was him, he was talking to her without verbalizing it, and if that was not enough to make her run away screaming then it was definitely the way his lips locked onto hers._

_To say he was a good kisser, was unnecessary, because Rey had no idea. But the way he pulled her in, and the softness of his lips as they teased hers. It was enough to put shame into her heart, and it was enough to scavenge up old pent up feelings she had long forgotten. Wild feelings that came within the dead of the night, way before she had met him, but more frequently after._

_A sound pulsed through him as he suddenly pulled her tighter to him, the feel of his fingertips rough against the bare skin of her arms._

_She realized it was a deep sultry groan, animalist in every way that it can be between a creature fond of the other._

_Before anything commenced, she pulled away, her hands placed against his heaving chest as she watched him try to maintain the feelings surfacing. His face became flushed, his lips quivering slightly._

_And she did not know how to feel, as always._

_"Don't ever leave me." His hands ran up her sides, softly, and the look of longing passed over him. She daydreamed for a second, if he truly meant all of the things he had said. Did he really think about her as much as he let on?_

_She wished for a split second that she could know, but the gentle caress through their bond told her she should not think about it. Not until she shut him out completely._

_"_ _Please." He whispered leaning down, she thought he was going to try and kiss her again, but instead his forehead touched hers. Promise me, you will never leave me. That you will be back soon." He was trembling as if it were cold, but the heat from his skin proved to her that he was not._

_Something trickled down her face._

_"I_ _promise ,as long as you promise me you will not give up."_

_"But why cant I just remain grey, isn't that what you are doing?" His words were soft, and the moment his dark eyes opened something short of surprise washed over his face. "You're bleeding."_

_"_ _I know. I-I need to go. We will talk more of this soon." She could feel a steady thrum through her skull, and knew she did not have much longer to stay within the memory. But held fast as she looked up into his midnight eyes._

 _"_ _You will be back? Soon?" He did not question any more as his long fingers caressed her lips, wiping the blood that spilled over them. The lack of being bothered struck a chord within her, she had never had someone look at her the way he did even whilst she had blood running down her face._

 _"_ _Yes." She whispered, leaning into his touch for the first time, taking in the act of love that she had never experienced before. But was it love or fascination?_

**_Come back to me soon._ **

_She closed her eyes and slipped from the memory._

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading ❤


End file.
